The prestigious title "Wanker of the Week" is awarded at irregular intervals (so not weekly at all, then) to politicians, officials and members of the public who have in our opinion distinguished themselves by being subservient to political correctness, by hiding behind their job descriptions, by being dishonest or selfish or just plain stupid. They are listed in chronological order beginning with our very first award back in 2004.
• A spokesman for Suffolk Police
• Baroness Sarah Ludford MEP
• Stephen Newton, Lib-Dem parliamentary candidate
• Charles Clarke MP, then Home Secretary
• Alistair Darling MP, then Transport Secretary
• Michael Williamson, Chairman of Cambridgeshire Police Authority
• An anonymnous magistrate
• Calderdale Royal Hospital, Halifax
• Julie Thomson of Hull City Council Corporate Equalities Unit
• Chris Fehlinger
• John Smith, President of the Royal College of Surgeons
• PC Zahid Malik of Nottinghamshire Police
• George Galloway MP
• Norman Baker, Lib-Dem spokesman for the environment
• Dorset Police
• The Hereward pub in Ely
• Some people who complained to BBC Radio 4
• Andrea Scott of Barnstaple Age Concern
• "TL", a correspondent in the Sunday Times "Homes" letter section
• Ali Macdonald of Devon Fire and Rescue, and Dr.Tamara Griffiths of the British Skin Foundation
• Television watchdog Ofcom
• John Lambert, head of Rawmarsh Community School, Rotherham
• David Onamade, Director of Somerset Racial Equality Council
• Trading Standards officers at Powys County Council
• ITV and presenters Sir Trevor McDonald, Zoe Ball and Anneke Rice. As well as being named "Wankers of the Week", the three presenters were also awarded the title "Porkie of the Week" with ribbon and bar
• Tom Black of Dundee
• David Viner, Professor of Climatology at the University of East Anglia
• Jon Collins, Leader of Nottingham City Council, and Chief Superintendent Marcus Beale of Nottinghamshire Police
• Al Gore
• Councillor Alan Burkitt of Sandwell Council
• Chief Fire Officer Stephen Hunter of Tayside Fire and Rescue Service
• Lambeth Borough Council
• GM crop protesters
• The town of Sidmouth, Devon
• Stafford Borough Council
• Paris Hilton
• Hammersmith & Fulham Council
• The Arts Council, Nottinghamshire Constabulary and Notts County Council
• The National Trust
• An officer of South Wales Police
• Health officials and academics from Scotland
• Morrisons Supermarket
• Dawn Primarolo M.P., Minister for Public Health
• Sandhurst Primary School, Lewisham
• André Farrar of the RSPB
• Certain residents of Leatherhead
• Marcus Brigstocke, Vikram Seth and a load of other people you've never heard of
• The Department for Health, and managers of the South Tees Hospitals NHS Trust
• Daily Mail reader "Anon" of Teesside
• Baroness Sarah Ludford MEP - again
• Author and philosopher John Gray
• Margaret Devonshire of Pickering, Yorkshire
• The charity Alcohol Concern, and a delighful but rather foolish gentleman called Mark Boyle
• Lord Goldsmith
• The National Union of Teachers
• American blogger Debbie Schlussel
• Gordon McBroon, Harriet Harman and the rest of that sorry bunch of tossers at Westminster
• An anonymous spokeswanker for Friends of the Earth
• Frances Done, head of the government's Youth Justice Board
• Helen Clark ex-MP (not)
• Anne Snelgrove, who is either MP for South Swindon or a small dog, we're not sure which
• Broxbourne Borough Council. Or possibly not.
• John Coates, President of the Australian Olympic Committee
• Ourselves. That's right, the whole damn lot of us
• Virgin Train Manager
• Liverpool City Council
• Gloucester City Council
• Christians. Yes, I know that includes a lot of people. Its what you call "a broad church"
• A strange and secretive man called Gregory Carlin
• Ed Miliband, Secretary of State for Wind Turbines and other tall, useless articles
• Derek Hardy, Policy Manager for Housing & Community Safety at North Dorset District Council
• The Department of Health. What would we do without them?
• Mid-Devon District Council and local authorities everywhere
• Naomi Byron of "Youth Against Racism", Councillors Peter McDonald and Richard Deeming, and various inhabitants of the village of Cofton Hackett in Worcestershire
• The Law - no longer just an Ass, now a full-fledged Wanker with bells and whistles
• Journalist and closet cannibal Tom Sykes
• An anonymous spokesman for the Department for Children, Schools and Families
• The Citizens' Electoral Council of Australia
• Boris Johnson, Mayor of London. Now there's a turn-up for the books
• Mr.Tim Nicholson and Justice Michael Burton
• American journalists Rachel Morris and Julia Whitty
• Journalist Paul Sims, the Daily Mail and quite a lot of the people who read it
• Sarah Whittle (a.k.a."Sarah the Carer") of Peterborough
• Polly Higgins, a lawyer and environmentalist
• Ellis Drummond, a yob from Rushden
• The tabloid press, in particular the Daily Mail
• Doctors Christian Akubuine, Bakhtawar Shah Khattak and Vivake Roddah and their bosses at Milton Keynes General Hospital
• Sunday Times columnist Matt Rudd
• A vicious little toad called R.T.Jones
• Politician and dangerous loony Harriet Harman. Again.
• Politician and Eastenders actress Sayeeda Warsi
• Most radio and television presenters under the age of about thirty-five
• Radio 5 Live presenter Victoria Derbyshire and her black-and-white brain
• It had to happen eventually. Finally, David Bloody Cameron
• A local councillor from Walthamstow called Clyde Loakes
• Various Church of England dignitaries, including the Arch-Wanker, Catweazle himself
• An anonymous Lycra lout cyclist who's a damn sight too full of himself
• Councillor David Bagshaw and his colleagues on Eastwood Town Council, Nottinghamshire
• Upper class twit Lord Bichard and a magistrate named Tony Kaye
• Trafford Housing Trust and two of its employees
• Author Guy Walters - oh, and the Guardian newspaper, but that goes without saying, doesn't it?
• Suzanne Goldenberg, US environment correspondent of the Guardian newspaper
• An unscrupulous catalogue firm from Farnborough called Afibel
• Green party MEP Jean Lambert
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